It Is Not For You

Clandestine patterns
Gathering behind my eyes
Summoned on the strings
Of my heart
Open, wide open
Wearing these patterns
Alive on my sleeve
But it is not for you

Tasting the clouds
Dancing across a frightened sky
Will Spring ever come
Heady on Winter's heels
My tongue finds the clouds
Sweet with rain
Dashing across
An empty looking glass
Filling my eyes
With the light of miracles
But it is not for you

Alone, behind closed doors
I open up
My heart's secured door
Laying naked
The wonders secreted there
Long ago
Specters reveal
Their secret histories
Past lives lived
Without thought for what comes
Eternally ever after

This knowledge jars me
Awakens my mind
When I am alone
But it is not for you

I caught the hot rain
On my tongue
Standing alone
In Spring's welcome beginning
You trailed behind
Each of those delicious drops
Falling

I wondered if we would ever meet again
In some future life
When the specters of your past
Could be peacefully laid to rest
But it is not for you

I became a companion
Of the sun
Shutting slowly Winter's door
Hearing the lock turn, closing
Hearing my heart turn, hardening
It has all been sealed tight
So that my mind can move
Forward
Into the light of a future
Without a past
But it is not for you

I find my bed
Warm at night
Even after the indomitable shadow
Of you
Has fallen
How quickly a looked door
Can be sprung open
By the right hand

A light creeping in
Without warning
My mind startled
Into awareness
Of a brief reckoning
But it is not for you

If I touch myself
Become awake
Between my thighs
Mt manhood becoming my master
I will unlock a door
Once unforgivingly latched
To give myself
A love not hindered
Uncomplicated
Or safely demure

I unleash
The dancing specters there
To find their homes
Again in the forgiving light
Where you have foolishly
Feared to tread

Do not worry
You are not forgotten
There is a hole in my heart
And much more flows out
Than ever flows in
But it is not for you

Where Else Could I Belong?

The pyramidal desert peaks of West Wendover, Nevada/ Photo by the author

(S, one isn't all there is)

I scrambled
Over the rocks
Digging into my flesh
Lit from within
By a sacral fire
Carrying the Spirits with me
Bleeding on the open earth
Parched, yet believing in love
Where else could I go?

Mysteries
I made a fine coat of you
To enfold me from the storms
Mother, you forgot
To wrap me up
As mothers wrap
Their children tight
But father stripped me
Your god left me out
In the tide
Washing cold over my bones
Exposed
Where else could I go?

Midnight came
Black brocade
Enthused with gilded threads
Of starlight
Generations of stars
Burning, burned out
Rising and falling down
Through the Ether
Where else could they go?

Did I become
A prophet
For our family story
Carrying with me
Father's transgressions
Mother's weaknesses
I pity both
Harbor no vengeance
For I have given them over
As an offering
To the sky
Where else could I give them?

I raged like a wounded animal
Stripped of its claws
Lovers were my fodder
Undressing them one by one
Stripping them of their frailties

One by one
I left behind me
A trail of water
In the burning and open
Desert
What else could I have left
Behind me?

I came
To your shrine
Open with offerings
Carrying my heart
In my hand
On fire and stripped
Naked
Without peers
Without family or tribe

The drum of your spirit
Sounded a regular beat
Through me
Dancing, whirling
A hand towards heaven
Fingers towards the earth

Your soil
Your fragrance
Your knowledge
Planted like a seed
In the empty soil
I became your devotee
What else could I become?

Fresh from your kiss
I gathered the water
I had left behind me
I nourished thirst
And fed the hungry spirits
All belong to me
I belong to all of them

There is not one
Never one
Not one god, not one heart
Single or demanding
Only the All
Where else could I belong?
 

Icon

(S, light a candle)


Unlock the Light
While clinging to your darkness
Searching beneath the stones
Incandescent with hope
This is what Spirit has promised us

So do not give up hope
Even when stumbling, stumbling
Reaching so hard
Deep down inside despair
You will find me there
Tucked away beside
Your darkness

A little Light
Like a sparrow
Hidden in the eaves
Somewhere just passed
Sundown

Fragrant night jasmine
The incense always finds you
Beside me
Hidden away, secreted beyond
Despair's hungry clutches

In a museum, perhaps
But sparkling in a holy place
All its own
Where there is an eternal youth
A texture that will not crumble
An ancient language
Whose voice dapples
With light
Falling from a window high above

Clerestory
Bringing down heaven
Isn't this what Spirit promised
On the tips of my fingers
Alone and unsullied
For you

To capture your pain
And send it back to heaven
With the swallows
Across the shining sea
Which eats all darkness

I am your icon
Alone in a dark place
Yet suffused with a light
Of my own
Steadily flickering
From within

Your lips have never touched me
Yet in Spirit we have kissed
Your fingers have never undressed
My gilt edges
Yet in Spirit we have met
Naked and liberated
In a realm beyond time's dictates
And delicately you have absorbed
My glorious light-radiance
Taking it away with you
Into your darkness

Can despair touch you
When a candle lifts sorrow
And kisses its fingers
Into silence?
Has the Veil ever descended
Never to part again?

Can darkness have you
As I have had you
When, in the loudest silence
Of the night,
My golden face
Called you back
From the Other Side
Of the night
To be reborn in the rosy-gold crown
Of daybreak's new
Incarnation

All of these things
I have given to you
Without wanting so much
As a thread of your hair
In return
So still beat my heart
For fear of startling you away
In this lonely monument
Lit only by a high window

Reach up to me
And find
Your prayers answered
When the footfall of despair
Draws near
Call to me, and pray
Light a candle, and pray
For my name is a prayer
A dark companion to the Light
And Light's answer to
Dark's enchantments

Time cannot wipe away
My gilt edges
Nor tarnish the glittering
Pigments
Sealed tight by an amber
Varnish
Somewhere in time
Where you shall find me
Again, and again, and again....

I Could Wring That Sparrow's Neck

A happy bird enjoys Fall trees at Galena Creek Park, Reno, Nevada/ Photo by the author

The Truth was
What you taught me
In my bed at night
When mother slept
Not soundly
As her house crumbled down
Around her
As her heart crashed down
Around us

Stillness throughout
Our prison walls
The birds outside were free
And how I could wring
That sparrow's neck

To be so free
In the bracing clouds
The fields of sapphire blue
Singing as the walls
Fell down around us

Mother, how peacefully
You slept
While my innocence
Disintegrated inside my sheets
Your sheets
His sheets
Wet with my salty sweat

How quickly faith dies
While everything I held to be true
Became lies

Your perfect red lips, your illusions
You slept
While my childhood fell to pieces
Around us

How pious
To feel the words of that black book
Pass clean through me
Like a sword
Cutting, tearing, slicing
My innocence away

Your one "God", your prophets
Your commandments
All lies
And the world falls down
Below you

Sleep soundly now, mother
I dare you to dream again
To feel safe in the silver sky
Lit by a delicate moon
Waning

Are you free
In your sapphire sky
Your affluence?
And do your tears
Taste like diamonds
Cutting hard, tearing harder

I have passed through
All these ephemeral things...
"God", prophets, commandments
While the sparrow sang
Free and embraced by the clouds
As my idealism crashed down
Around me

Now I pick up my two feet
While the earth remains
Still beneath me
Gently calling, calling, calling

Even the free sparrow must alight
To find its home
In the full, green branches
As time passes on around us

One "God", I have no use for you
Prophets, your words failed the naked child
Commandments, your anger and jealousy
I banish from the citizenship of my soul
Black book, your pages have no wisdom left
To bind the passions of my heart
As humanity goes on and on
Without you

Little sparrow, free sparrow
I make peace with your liberated nature
Now that I have let loose
The binds that kept me
As the walls of my boyhood
Crashed down around me

Hush please
And let me sleep tonight
Alone and in peace
In the silver sapphire of the sky
As time and the world
Pass on without me

Pelican

The flooded ground of the Bonneville Salt Flats, Utah/ Photo by the author

You swallow the sun
Every morning
When the fragile earth
Still sleeps
Beneath a pallid sky

Fragile too is my home
Beside the churning ocean
The air captivating my eyes
Its memories dancing,
Laughing, crying with joy

Bereft of wisdom
I came here
To find what was left of me
After the broken glass
Of my childhood

I buried my father
As deep as I could

As for my body
It awoke to find freedom
From the storm of parentage
Blood is much more thin
Than water

I learned this in your bed
But I opened up a window
And fled to the dazzling ocean,
To a bright shore
Unscathed, unsullied,
Still a virgin, untouched by
His desire

Far away, far beyond the horizon
I see a shape glinting,
Promising a relief from my shadow

Will it come
Before the Afterlife?

Sinking beneath the waves,
Shattering, my old life dies
Yet I am renewed by solitude
In the silent kiss
Of your contentment
Content to lay without touching
Lips without posessing
Ecstasy without violation

Where did you come from?
From the raging blue waters
Or from the naked sky
Decorated with gilded stars
And the hallowed moon

It is all a wonder
To my boy's eyes
That life should hold
Such ancient mysteries
That an entire life
Can be renewed
After it was lost

Not by chance
Did you come
Not by a happenstance
Did the ocean part
From his lover's embrace
With the sky

You open up your mouth
To renew the light of the sun
To spread my wings again
To stretch my two wings
Over the salty and dangerous sea

Coming to Tara, Mother of the Buddhas: A Meditation & Prayer for Spiritual and Ecological Wholeness

Our Purpose
In times of doubt and need, in times of crisis we reach for that which will bring us immediate relief from our suffering. When we cut a finger we look for a bandage. When we fracture a bone we place it in a cast. When our heart is broken we look for a way to put it back together again…we seek wholeness again…we find a way to close the wound and find our resilient emotional faculties.

All living things desire, above all, happiness, life and freedom, to exist without suffering and hindrances…to be permitted to thrive of their own accord. Each one of us travels in our own boat, gliding along the waters of experience according to our own inner guidance or knowledge. We eventually seek to land on the shore, however briefly, of a fulfilled and nourished life, a true meaning…gnosis…of our journey clearly inscribed upon our heart. So much of our suffering is self induced, self inflicted by our refusal to acknowledge the deeper, innermost workings of our hearts and minds. Gnosis emerges when we take the time to stop our furious travels on the waters, dig through the layers of the untamed mind, and return to the pure state of a consciousness that does not cling, grasp or fixate on our emotional baggage.

”All that we call real in this transient world is a hologram”, Olivia Robertson reminds us (in “Isis is For All”, Isis-House Publishing, 2011), “deliberately created to teach us to become our true selves. Our souls are born of Deity, and we have within us an individual Divine Being”. In other words, we have created an alternate reality in our daily lives, and we hold fast onto this as if it were substantial, and yet it is but a fleeting moment of time in the life cycle of the soul, and it is this Soul, part of the Great Soul, Deity, Divine Consciousness, that is the true reality of which all things are composed. Our suffering? Suffering arises because of our obsession with our alternative reality…our physical and earthly existence. But it is our ethereal existence, born from the realm of Spirit, that holds the ultimate meaning of reality.

If we can, but for little moments at a time, take ourselves back into the womb of our beginning, into the realm of Spirit…the realm of the Infinite Soul, Deity…then we can bring back with us some of that consciousness and experience into our physical, terrestrial lives. We can enliven the here and now with the nurturing, healing, compassion and wholeness not fixed in time or space, nor bound by our mortality. Truly, we are immortal beings. Death, suffering, limitations and ignorance are illusions that can be overcome, but only through our sincere effort to peel away our own self imposed fetters. In order to do this, we reach out to Mother, to our place of beginnings in the liquid warmth of the Mother’s womb.

Târâ Drölma, Liberator
Tibetans have many names for Mother Tara, Who is ever and always the compassionate, all-embracing reality from which transcendence emerges, and ills subside. Within the milk of kindness Dölma, the Liberator, sublime Tara takes Her ethereal seat upon the lotus throne, and from Her hand springs the blue or white lotus, the hallmark of the mind of enlightenment.

Tibetans tell the story of the princess Sherab Drölma, whose determination to end the suffering of all beings transformed her into a Bodhisattva, a being whose compassion commits her or him to take rebirth until the liberation of all sentient beings from the cycle of suffering and perpetual birth. From Bodhisattva, Tara Dölma emerged, reaching out to answer the prayers of all who call upon Her. With the immediacy of a mother who hears the crying of her very own child, noble Tara responds swiftly to the call of all sentient beings, prepared to shower them with Her flowering mercy.

It is also said that Tara began as the emanation of Avalokiteshvara-Chenrezig, the Buddha of Compassion, being born from his tears as he looked upon the innumerable suffering beings under his care, and despaired of ever liberating them all. It was Tara who sprang forth in such unwavering compassion and determination, infused with a limitless and undaunted reservoir of altruism.

Although there are twenty-one manifestations of Tara Dölma, each with unique characteristics and iconography, it is the White and Green Taras who are especially venerated by the people of the Land of Snows (Tibet) as the liberators and protectors of all suffering beings. These are the Taras Who grant boons freely, defend against ecological crises (such as earthquakes and fires), and manifest to practitioners as the removers of obstacles to the mind of enlightenment. The White and Green Taras can diminish hatred, greed and pride, and urge the practitioner towards the complete development of compassion and altruism.

The Meditation & Prayer, Coming to Tara
What follows is my own inspired composition- meditation and prayer- while meditating upon the root mantra of Tara, and contemplating the great ecological suffering being experienced by our planet at this time. Not only ecological, but social suffering and want continues to urge action and demand higher consciousness. While we continue to consume our natural resources on a vast scale, our population explodes without regard to the gross taxation this imposes on our Earth, and our hunger grows. Each group fights for its own interests- personal and ideological- while denying the human rights and needs of “the other”. Governments impose measures that seem to restrict and hinder, instead of liberate or serve. Each heart seems possessed by personal desire and self preservation. How can we work with these tempestuous feelings as they arise within ourselves?

On Thursday June 29, 2000 I was first initiated into the practice of the White and Green Taras, with His Holiness the XIVth Dalai Lama of Tibet acting as Root Guru. The Dalai Lama guided us through an astonishing visualization to enter into the presence of the twenty-one emanations of Tara Drölma, ending in the White and Green Taras, with particular emphasis on generating the mind of enlightenment in order to bring liberation to all sentient beings.

Within a shower of rainbow colored light, noble Tara appeared as the radiant heart of compassion, which begins with the self but quickly expands to encompass all sentient beings. As the body of White Tara expands, emerging from the blast of a pure white conch shell, we see the Goddess erect on Her lotus throne, the embodiment of victory over obstacles, while Her hands gracefully raise the white and blue lotus. Her face shines with the luminescence of a lamp, golden and jewel-toned, which is the lamp of Dharma, the Truth, the Universal Law. Kindness, compassion and care for all beings is resident in the level of the third eye, making its application universal, not solely personal. For the suffering of one is the burden of all, Tara tells us. She causes us to awaken to the hunger of others, who starve for tenderness and mercy, not only material gain.

From the crown of Tara- ornamented with a bejeweled diadem and pristine black locks- a nimbus or halo of rainbow light pierces through the veil of blue-black darkness, and within the heart the sound OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SVAHA bursts again and again, as a seed taking root in consciousness and multiplying rapidly like a tree of great shade. In this moment we ourselves become a beautiful vessel of lustral water, pure and sweet nectar, pouring out for the thirst of all sentient beings. Selfishness dissolves, and concern for others becomes the focus of our condition.

We realize all at once that the garments of Tara shimmer with a rich panoply of green, red and gold threads, iridescent, and floating like clouds passing softly through an azure sky. Again the thunder of a pure white conch sounds from all around, and this time the syllables OM AH HUM proliferate within the heart, again and again. Body (OM) speech (AH) and mind (HUM) are purified of selfishness, greed and anger, and the altruistic mind is generated for the welfare of all sentient beings. The Earth and its ills are given over to the lap of Tara, who becomes the Liberator, the Savioress of invincible mercy…the Mother of the Buddhas.

Feeling the qualities of compassion, altruism and determination arise, the heart maintains the syllables OM AH HUM, while the mind generates the root mantra of noble Tara, saying OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SVAHA. With each recitation, the mind becomes saturated with the compassion that encompasses all sentient beings, beginning with the self and extending outwards. Having gathered courage, determination and wisdom from the emanation of Tara, one is firmly rooted in the desire to liberate all beings from the fetters of suffering. The boundless compassion of Mother Tara, Liberator of all creatures, becomes my compassion, our compassion…shared by one, shared by all.

In accomplishing this practice, we will begin with the lighting of two candles, one White, given over to the honor of White Tara (Dolma Karpo or Sitatara, Who embodies purification and protection), and the other green, committed to the care of Green Tara (Who removes obstacles to the path of spiritual awakening). We will also offer incense (sandalwood, if available) and a bowl of pure water to the deity. Our prayers should be spoken aloud and with conviction, for in conviction we are determined to receive and offer the great compassion of Mother Tara on behalf of all sentient beings. Our determination flowers from a heart yearning to relieve the suffering of each living creature…each plant, animal and human…but also the waters, which surround and nourish, and make all life possible.

Having gratitude for all my teachers and peers, I have placed a few verses at the beginning of this prayer to honor (and petition) His Holiness the XIVth Dalai Lama, since it was he who initiated me into the White and Green Taras, and has so generously bestowed upon me his kindness and wisdom.

To Lady Olivia Robertson, co-founder of the Fellowship of Isis, I also pay my love and gratitude for her endless gifts, and gentle tutelage. May she be blessed and cherished, ever with us, ever within our love for the Goddess.

OM AH HUM
In the sacred land surrounded by snow mountains,
You are the source of all benefit and happiness,
O Powerful Chenrezig, Tenzin Gyatso,
Remain in this world until samsara ends!

OM AH HUM
(A green candle is lit in the presence of Green Tara. A white candle is lit in the presence of White Tara)
O garland of virtues, pristine body of all Dharma,
Your radiance shines as a lamp of undiminished,
Refined light, where no doubt can remain!
Enthused with compassion you light the way
For the weary, where the blessedness of hope
Dispels the demons- selfishness, anger and greed.
O blessed Tara of innumerable virtues,
Shine your light from within my heart,
And fashion from my mind a jewel of
Diamond-hard resilience!

OM AH HUM
(Incense is offered to the Goddess Tara)
I offer all virtues to the sky
Like the pure white smoke billowing forth
As the noble Wind-Horse,
Carrying the precious teachings of
The noble lineages,
Paying homage to the Buddhas and the
Indestructible Dharma that is perfect truth.

OM AH HUM
A conch shell, pure white,
Blasts from the Land of Snows,
Heralding virtue of mind, body and speech-
Known to the four directions as wisdom,
Compassion and skillful means.
The Gods appear in rainbow light,
Beaming from the pristine forehead of
Drölma, the Liberator, Mother of all
Buddhas, Whose perfections embrace
The earth and purify its ailments.
This is accomplished through the
Endless compassion of the Bodhisattvas!

O Drölma, Precious Mother,
Emanated from the tears of Chenrezig,
Your crown pierces the suffering of all
Realms with the Three Jewels, in which
We go for refuge.
To the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha we
Commit our prayers, purifying the ills of
The earth and its people.
(An offering of pure water is poured out for the Goddess Tara)

OM AH HUM
May the mercy of your heart prevail.
May the insurmountable wisdom of
The Dharma, the Supreme Truth,
Manifest awareness and generate
The Mind of Enlightenment.
O lamp of seven eyes, your vision
Pierces the heart like the thunder of
A conch shell, whose beauteous melody
Diminishes delusion and clarifies the
Mind for Enlightenment.

O Compassionate One,
We pray for the ills of the earth,
Seeking the compassion of the Buddhas
Of the four directions!
The ills I have cultivated I hand over
Into the care of merciful Drölma,
Beseeching wisdom and engendering
Loving kindness.

(water is flicked or sprinkled in the presence of the Goddess Tara)
OM AH HUM
To the waters I bestow the purity of my
Intention.
To the creatures of the land I bear the
Will of preservation, harming none
And seeking only to do good.
To all sentient beings I proffer the
Three virtues of charity, mercy and love.
From the sweet and light-emitting lotus
Of compassion do all aspirations rise,
And the Mind of Enlightenment, which
Flourishes with the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas,
Becomes the root of my life.
OM AH HUM

Recitation of the Mantra of White Tara
Om Tare Tuttare Ture Mama Ayuh Punya Jñana Pustim Kuru Svaha

Recitation of the Mantra of Green Tara
Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha